11 things we’d love to happen in the 2013 Tour de France, but almost certainly wont

We look into our rose tinted, somewhat delusional crystal ball to try and see what’s going to happen in July…

1. Andy Schleck reveals his masterpiece of deception

The dastardly Schleck puts his plan into action
The dastardly Schleck puts his plan into action

Having been written off completely and trailing in with the laughing group most days, When the race hits the slopes of the first summit finish, Schleck attacks, and everyone sits and marvels, thinking ‘that’s jolly good of him, but we know he’s shite now so lets not bother chasing him down and let him thrash around without his brother before we catch him in a kilometre.’  But no. It turns out Schleck has played us all for fools, and has actually been harbouring form reminiscent of Zeus himself. He takes 5 minutes out of the field, and proceeds to trounce everyone in the time trial (steady on – ed) thanks to his top secret wind tunnel sessions, before defending his glorious yellow kit all the way to Paris. ‘This is for all those ****s who said I needed Frank to do anything’ laughs Andy on the podium, giving Contador a slap on the back, though the Spaniard still hasn’t forgiven him for his exuberant victory celebration where the two sprinted for the win at Alpe d’Huez only for Andy to deliberately drop his chain yet still coast over the line to glory.

2. Bradley Wiggins buys out his Sky contract, joins OPQS, annoys Froome and Cavendish

'How many of these do you have Cav? ****, havent sworn for a while, better ****ing do that.'
‘How many of these do you have Cav? ****, havent sworn for a while, better ****ing do that.’

‘I’m leaving Tottenham to go to Man Utd’ announced Wiggins, as he buys out his contract to join the Belgian Omega-Pharma Quick Step. ‘I thought you’d already left Wigan and were at Man Utd already?’ ask puzzled journos. ‘Shut up you ****er’, laughs Wiggins, ‘I’m ****ing Gareth Bale now. And this whole team is behind me and my bid to win the Tour’ he says, beaming over at a furious Mark Cavendish. Wiggins claims his ‘knee injury’ was all a load of PR guff (I thought this was meant to be parody? – ed) and joinsup with the OPQS boys to try and win the Tour. He spends the first week insisting Cavendish act as a wind block for him, whilst loudly proclaiming that he will take the yellow jersey at the first time trial and they’ll ‘see how it goes from there’ (sounds familiar – ed) After Froome monsters him by 2 minutes and even Andy Schleck betters him (see above) Wiggins decides he has a cold and mopes off home, claiming he never wanted to be there anyway.

3. Cannondale win the Team Time Trial, Sagan organises whole team daredevil victory salute

Sagan's new party piece
Sagan’s new party piece

Peter Sagan, having run out of ideas for amusing homages to popular films to celebrate with, decides that Cannondale must win the Nice time trial then put on a daredevil stunt where by the riders bunny hop onto each others shoulders to form a balancing tower of riders, all arms aloft and celebrating their glorious achievements. Rumours Sky are investigating the formation for a possible reduction in drag coefficients and rolling resistance are quickly denied by their PR team.

4. Jens Voigt gets 25 minutes in a break, wins the Tour

A face we can all love
A face we can all love

Given a break into Montpellier, Jens wins the stage and leads by 25 minutes thanks to crosswinds. However, at Ax3 Domaines, the yellow inspired Jens pulls off another stage victory by shockingly dropping all the climbers in a display of pure brutality (not by only losing little bits of time in the mountains!? -ed) More amazingly, bears attack Astana riders in the woods, and Jens’ 2009  quip is shown to be an incredible premonition. Pozzato changes his tattoo to ‘Only Jens can judge me’ whilst riders claim to have seen visions of Jens in their shaved leg hair. Ballards are written, songs are sang, great tapestries are commissioned as the now deified Jens ascends to the malliot jaune whilst a beam of heavenly light follows him around France.

Cycling : 98th Tour de France 2011 / Stage 21
Wouldnt this be better if the whole race was decided here?

Like 1989, but even better. By some miracle of chance, the men in first and second are equal on time, even down to the thousandth of a second on the unrounded TT times, have the same number of stage wins,and even their placings and placings over mountains are identical. How extraordinary (and totally impossible – ed) As a result, the race comes down to simply who crosses the line first on the cobbles of the Champs Elysees…the pair would even let the pelton go and do track stands in a sprint to decide the ultimate prize. Please let this happen.

6. Lance returns, spends most of race intimidating the living daylights out of Contador

'There's a what's head in my bed?'
‘There’s a what’s head in my bed?’

Amazing evidence turns up that that nasty Mr Lemond has been blackmailing Lance the whole time, and that he fabricated all the positive tests etc etc. Lance is thus free to compete, his titles are restored, and he is given special dispensation to create a team and join the race as part of an apology. With Johan Brunyeel behind the mighty Livestrong-Trek, Armstrong menaces the peloton, chasing down David Millar constantly and wagging his finger at him, and constantly riding up to Contador before pulling out  a juicy Spanish steak and tucking into it with notable glee. Of course, Lance is past it now so he doesnt win, but he does all he can to ruin the Tour of Bertie and especially Garmin and provides some jolly good entertainment along the way.

7.  Christian Prudhomme goes power mad with nostalgia and redirects the Alpe d’Huez stage over the Galibier

1551098_3_30ae_le-galibier

Posessed by the spirit of Henri Desgrange (seriously? – ed) Prudhomme decides this Tour Malarky has all got a bit too easy and decides to return the race to its timeless roots. 300 mile stages with 2am starts return, drafting is banned, and the Galibier, Tourmalet et all are all reintroduced, whilst Prudhomme hooks up the sound system to play an epically poetic version of the the commentary of Desgrange’s L’Auto commentaryto pump terror into the riders hearts as they ascend on their gearless 20kilo beasts. For extra good measure, the 242km Ventoux stage is run off as an individual time trial to make sure there is no cheating.

8. Cancellara, Boonen and Gilbert do start and form an Godly Triumvirate of Surrering

What a bad ass podium
What a bad ass podium

All included in their teams at the last minute, this classic trio decide they’d actually rather ride their own race and attack every single stage to form a Holy Trinity breakaway – Gilbert leads over hills, Boonen on the flat and Cancellara does his moutain goat impression to ensure those behind are placed in a world of pain.

9. The Aussies and Colombians rebel against their harsh pay masters and from their own sects

1254148274934-1c46el0lm35y7-670-70
‘We sure aint riding for no Pom team’

Those criminal aussies go back to their roots and decideto mutiny – Evans and Porte abandon BMC and Sky and begin to use the Orica team as their base, and begin to work on dastardly plans to unseat Froome and Van Garderen. Meanwhile, Quintana, Uran, Henao and Betancur, who all for some reason have decided to race despite being knackered from the Giro (clutching at straws eh – ed) all form their own little splitter faction as the Tour becomes a national race again – however, will these small pools of talent be able to to compete with a united France, or will the home nation simply roll up the FDJ jersey and surrender?

10. A Frenchman wins

Preferably this one.
Preferably this one.

Ha!

11. No one tests positive.

epo

We can dream eh.

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