In a Tour that was emphatically decided by the exertion of domineering control by Team Sky, one man had the tenacity to try and mix it up a bit and make it an entertaining spectacle for anyone that wasn’t washed away in excitement at the sight of a couple of guys time trialling up a mountain. That man was of course Peter Sagan, who has already been entertaining fans world wide with his celebrations. At the Tour of California for instance, he went with a finger pointing, all seeing move, and since then, has seemingly decided that the most important part of winning is the celebration. Because let’s face it, two hands in the air is boring.
First there was the ‘Ah, that was easy.’
Followed by the ‘Forest Gump Running Man.’
And then finally the Hulk.
Personally though, I worry about Sagan’s long term view as to this goal of continual celebration innovation. I feel he could do with some inspiration as to his next move, when he drops Mark Cavendish on the Mall and needs something extra special for the Olympics, and for in Valkenburg, when, clad in Olympic gold fused to Liquigas green, he’ll need to think of a move when he surges clear of Boonen, Gilbert and co to add some rainbows to his jersey. Already, the act of doing a wheely up the toughest mountain stages and the BMX tricks is wearing thin. So I’ve come up with some ideas for young Peter, and aside from some classics from other riders for him to emulate, I will eventually be including some of my own efforts (all though I should note I’ve never won a race, nay anything, in my life, and so all of these are purely hypothetical – my ego isn’t advanced enough to have a celebration bank in the back of my mind in the assumption I’m going to win a race) that, for the price of but a simple signed green jersey, he can have my blessing to use. Any suggestions as to other ideas are welcome.
Yes, yes, we’re all very entertained by the wheelies Peter…
Classics to Emulate
To be honest, this only really works for Juan Antonio, whose surname, Flecha, is the Spanish for Archer. Still, maybe Sagan could combine it with a wheelie?
Good for: If your name happens to translate to what you’re doing.
Bad For: Everyone else.
At 22, Sagan’s probably not thinking about kids yet, although if he’s anything like TweeterSagan, his parody twitter feed, he’s already fathered hundreds of handsome babes as the buxom lasses of France rush to be swept off their feet by the green robed adonis. When he gets the parental support cheque in the mail however, he can start packing his dummy in the rear pocket, as modeled here by Carlos Sastre, for such an occasion as which he wishes to dedicate his victory to some illegitimate offspring.
Good For: Letting everyone know what a good father you are.
Bad For: When your current girlfriend isn’t pregnant.
The ‘Bike did the work’
When Specialised compensated for Tom Boonen’s odd position of a long flat back over his bike by inventing the Tarmac road bike, Tom rode it to victory at Kurne Brussels Kurne, and to show his appreciation, he pointed at the steed that he had propelled to victory to emphasis how it had been the reason for victory. Of course, if you weren’t up to speed on what bikes Specialised where making for whom, it didn’t exactly look like that. Still, as with the above, Sagan could be emphasising the prowess of things other then his Cannondale.
Good For: Pleasing the sponsors
Bad For: Being heavily misinterpreted by those with dirty minds.
The ‘Behold my Girth’
Of course, sometimes, you may not be expressing your affection for you bicycle, but for your meat and two vedge. Ahem.
Good for: Trying to pull shallow ladies.
Bad for: Anyone in white shorts, which will end the race see through, and make you look like a twat. Or just generally anyone who has a sense of shame.
No, not a Transylvanian royalty impersonation, but a display of your tremendous prowess by reminding your fans just how many times you have won the race. Surely one for Sagan to use in the future, when he gets round to doing the Tour again. At age 23. I feel so old.
Good For: Expressing your utter dominance and laxidasical ease in winning races.
Bad For: If you only put one finger up, as if you’re claiming this will be the first of many. No. You may as well unveil a T-shirt saying ‘behold the ego.’
Obviously, everyone loves history. I ‘love’ it so much I’m doing a degree in it. But why should history be confined to dusty pages of age old books stuffed into the recesses of an inaccessible library? Why shouldn’t you be able to share the joys of it with your fellow cyclist? That’s what Mark Cavendish did with this two fingered salute to the archers at Agincourt. Perhaps Sagan could express the history of Slovakia in a similar manner, say by using the same symbol to express his feelings towards those damned Czech splitters. Or Cav could just admit this had shit all to do with Agincourt.
Good For: Giving people who will regurgitate your BS excuse to everyone who will listen a chance to think they’re really deep.
Bad For: Your career.
The Pistol shot
This one will forever be associated with Alberto Contador, who has been serving his daft suspension clad in a jersey emblazoned with his hand logo, which has featured on his podium cap, on his Sidis, and on the side of his Audi. Hmm. He seemed to start it in 2007, as he didn’t do it at the Tour Down Under when he came back from a brain haemorage, but hasn’t to my knowledge really given an explanation for it. Marmite -esque, it is, like its user somewhat polarising, to the extent it has been a feature of various Tour de France wish lists for ‘Contador’s pistol to jam.’
Good For: Showing those evil farmers what’s coming their way,
Bad for: If you’re trying to avoid looking like a six year old with a twig.
In many situations however, as eveyone who has watched an action movie knows, a pistol just isn’t enough to do the job. You’re seriously pissed. You want to inflict maximum damage. So you get a shotgun. This of course works especially well if say, the UCI didn’t really want you in the race you’ve just won, and you want to have a jolly good laugh at their expense by pretending to blow their heads to kingdom come.
Good for: Looking more badass.
Bad for: The finish line photographers, who will find your ‘supporting arm’ is covering your face.
The Ego, Part One
You can always claim this is for your sponsor, who will probably use the images as so, but when you do a furious fistpump whilst staring intently down the camera lens, we all know you’re just very pleased with yourself. The reaction kind of depends on whether you’re liked or not mind.
Good For: Showing you’re still in the race after being demoted for headbutting *cough* McEwen *cough*
Bad For: If you’re sponsor is a maker of vitamins. At least it wasn’t the Silence-Lotto year.
The Ego, Part Two
You’re Mario Cipollini. You claim you have an orgy the night before Ghent-Whevelgem and still won the race. You’re rivals are mesmerised not only by your wild ability to bed every babe on the roadside and still thrash them, but also transfixed by you handsome visage. How then, do you express your discontent for the opposition whilst simultaneously making them express awe at your performance? Why, by looking around as if wondering where they are of course. Note: they may take this as untolerable arrogance and try extra hard to beat you the next day. In which case, just beat them again, doing exactly the same thing.
Good for: If your name is Mario and you are the God of Euro.
Bad For: If in looking around you note Oscar Freire has pipped you to your 5th Milan-San Remo.